fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
