Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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