he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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