She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
