oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
