Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
