If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
