I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
