I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
