I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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