Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
