Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I haven't been this sober since birth.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
