a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
