I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
