i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
