the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Everclear isn't food dammit
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
