I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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