Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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