did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
