Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
