When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
