i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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