First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
