My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
