I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
