Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Houston, we have a blender
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
