she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Randomize
