i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
