my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize