It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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