you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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