how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
