You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
