I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
