My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
