I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
