We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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