If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
