someone threw a dead crab at me
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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