this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize