Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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