My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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