also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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