I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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