My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
false alarm. still invincible.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
