just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
