where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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