I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
