I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
