I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize