You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize