sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
