Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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