apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
