I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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